


Five Seconds

by Ilovelarry78



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Hisoka has red hair btw, Hisoka is depressed, Hisoka is not creepy, IT IS NOT CANNON, Illumi and Hisoka are together, Illumi is a nice brother, M/M, NOTHING IN THIS FIC IS REAL NOT WILL EVER HAPPEN, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers !!!, hisoillu, killua is on good terms with Illumi, this is fictional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28253295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilovelarry78/pseuds/Ilovelarry78
Summary: “In just five second everything could change.In just five second we could choose to go or to stay.‘Cause we only have five seconds.”
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Kudos: 27





	Five Seconds

**Author's Note:**

> Hisoka’s POV
> 
> This fic contains major triggers so please read at your own risk. Also please don’t be rude or anything as I wrote this about my own experience. I of course changed some stuff but it is mostly about my attempt and my five seconds.

I looked around the room, tears streaming down my face as I gasped for air. Panic attack...I was having a panic attack and I wasn’t doing anything to make it better. My eyes landed on the basket I kept all of my makeup in, a big mirror sitting beside it. I quickly made my way over and grabbed the mirror. What I saw wasn’t what everyone else saw. My red hair was all over the place, my makeup was a mess and my eyes were bloodshot red. I looked broken. I looked like Hisoka Amorou, the one I have been hiding for many years now. 

I screamed as I smashed the mirror to the ground, glass flying everyone. I cry as I picked up a piece, slowly lifting it up and placing it in my arm. Without thinking I sliced my hand, not once, not twice, but nineteen times. I cried as blood trickled down my arm.

“Hisok-” My head snaps to the door, eyes wide in panic. 

“What the fuck are you doing?! You are fucking crazy!” My mother yelled as she glared at me. She went to me and smacked me on the head before storming out. “You need help!”

I look down at my arms and cry loudly, the pain in my chest worsening. I look around until my eyes land on another piece of glass, sharper than the last one. I grab it and shakingly place it on my throat, the glass gracing my pale skin. I cried and yelled before pressing the glass down and slowly cutting my skin. The pain it gave me wasn’t enough, so I pressed the glass deeper and cut again. 

“Babe why is your mom--what are you doing?!” Illumi rushed over to me and slowly took my hand, examining the cuts. He then looked at me, his eyes holding more emotions than I have ever seen him express. 

“Why? Why would you do this?” He cried before slowly letting go of my hand. 

“I-...” I look down at my hands and cried, the piece of glass falling to the ground.

When I looked up Illumi was being pulled away by Killua. Illumi kept his eyes on me and I kept mine on his. Both pairs holding so many unanswered questions. 

I sat there and thought back to what I was about to do. Do I want to leave? Or do I want to stay? Which one will I choose? Which one do I want?

“I’m sorry..” Crying softly, I picked up the glass and held it against my wrist. I pressed down and dragged the piece down my arm. Blood spilled out of the newly made cut and onto the floor. I watched brokenly before my mind went blank. 

-

_ “Stooop,” Illumi complained, but a smile was still visible on his face.  _

_ “Not until you give me a kiss.” I puckered my lips and teasingly leaned closer to him. _

_ “Ew no, you’re ugly.”  _

_ I gasped and dramatically fall on my knees, my hand over my heart, “You wound me Illumi-dear.” _

_ Illumi rolls his eyes before leaning down and placing a kiss on my lips. I smile triumphantly before grabbing him by the neck and dragging him down with me. He screamed as I laughed and placed kisses all over his face, tickling his sides too. _

_ “Le-let haha go of aaaah me!” Illumi laughed, his hands trying to push mine away, but failing miserably. _

_ “No, you’re mine muahahaha.” I evilly laugh as I tickle him some more.  _

_ “N-noo haha, I’m gonna...aha I’m gonna pee myself!” I laugh before letting him go. _

_ Illumi quickly got up and got away from me. He glared at me while he caught his breath, “Fuck you.” _

_ “I love you too~”  _

_ - _

I snapped out of it and slowly looked around me, the realization of what I did finally hit me. I cry loudly before getting up and walking out of my room. My mother, Illumi, and Killua all stood in the hallway, their eyes on me. I ignored them and made my way to the kitchen.

“Don’t let him grab any knives!” Illumi exclaimed.

Killua ran towards me and blocked the kitchen door. I sigh and push him out of the way, making my way to the counter where my phone was. I picked it up and dialed nine-one-one. Illumi and Killua looked at me with sad and broken looks before giving me a small encouraging smile. 

“Nine-one-one what your emergency?” The dispatcher asked.

“H-hi can you please send an ambulance?” I asked, tears slowly falling down my face.

“Is anyone injured?” She asked.

“...” I paused before looking down at my arms  “Yes..”

“Who?”

“Me.”

“Okay, how are you injured?”

“I tried to...I tried to commit suicide.” I whisper as I faced the ground, ashamed of my actions.

“It’s okay bubba..” I hear Illumi say from across the room, where he stood. 

“An ambulance and a patrol car will be arriving shortly, can you tell me how exactly you tried?”

I shook my head and started gasping for breath, my hands shaking.

“Hey, it’s okay. I won’t hurt you. You can trust me.” The dispatches said, her voice soft and calming. 

I look up at Illumi who gave him a small encouraging smile, “You can do it.”

“I...I cut myself.”

“Where did you cut yourself, honey?

“My arms and throat..”

I sigh in relief as the sirens of the ambulance illuminated the house, “They are here…”

“Oh okay. I’ll let you go now.

I hang up the phone and look up at Illumi before walking towards the door. The paramedics entered the house and asked me to sit down on a chair. They took my blood pressure and looked at my cuts before, bringing in the stretcher. 

“We will be taking you to the hospital so they can clean out your injuries. Is that alright with you?” The paramedic asked. 

I stay silent and nod my head, allowing them to put me on the stretcher and take me outside and into the ambulance. Before the door was closed I see Illumi and Killua waving at me. 

“What’s your name darling?” The paramedic asked.

“Hi-Hisoka.”

“Well Hisoka, my name is Chelsea.” She smiled at me before grabbing a rubber cuff and placing it around my arm. “I will be checking your blood pressure again.”

I nodded at her before closing my eyes. All the crying I did was making me very tired...

-

I woke up in a hospital room, machines beeping every passing second. The T.V was on, Wild Krats playing. I look around before my eyes land on Illumi, who was sleeping on the chair beside my bed. I reach out and caress his hair, a small sad smile making its way onto my face. 

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry Illumi.” I whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Illumi said as he looked up at me. 

“But what I was being selfish..” 

“No. You weren’t being selfish. Maybe stupid, but never selfish.” Illumi exclaimed. “You did what you did because you thought it was the right thing to do. Because you wanted to escape all the pain you were feeling. You did it for yourself. There is nothing selfish about that.”

I look down at my bandaged arms and say, “Five seconds…”

“Five seconds?”

“All it took was five seconds.” I paused. “In five seconds I could’ve taken your best friend and lover away. In five seconds I could’ve broken so many people’s hearts.”

Illumi took a hold of my hand before saying, “In five seconds you made the choice to pick up your phone and get some help. Those five seconds allowed me to have more time with you.”

I feel my eyes water as Illumi pulled me into a tight embrace. I cry softly into his shoulder, relieved to still be alive.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Illumi whispered back as he planted a kiss on my neck. “Thank you for not leaving me.”  
  


_ “ In just five seconds everything could change. _

_ In just five seconds we could choose to go or to stay.  _

_ 'Cause we only have Five Seconds. ” _


End file.
